I made the decision 3 years ago to photograph women in their underwear. What I can do for a woman is amazing. I help them realize just how beautiful they are. They often come to their session nervous and leave confident and glowing. It’s so fulfilling what I do and I love it but it has some downsides.
I am a plus sized woman. I have been insecure my whole life. The hardest thing about being a boudoir photographer is my husband seeing the photos. Sometimes I see him looking at them not as my business partner thinking that the photography is good but as a man seeing a beautiful and sexy woman. I know that my husband finds me sexy. I know that he is infatuated with me and wants me in our bed every night. But I still can’t help but feel insecure. Like I don’t measure up to the women that I photograph.
I am able to help other women find their beauty but I struggle to find my own. I have always been a wallflower, the brunt of the joke, the fat girl. Before my husband was my boyfriend, he dated younger, skinnier, and pretty girls. Everything I was not. Even though he has chosen me to be his love for the rest of our lives I still have a really hard time feeling like I am enough. It’s hard being a woman sometimes.
Being insecure about my looks and my weight is something that I struggle with on a daily basis. It’s also something that I am trying to work on. After all how can I help women feel empowered and beautiful if I don’t feel it myself? Working as a boudoir photographer has helped though. Coming home after a shoot knowing that I helped women feel amazing and beautiful makes me proud of being a part of their journey. I get excited when I see their photographs and proud of my work as a photographer. Knowing that me telling them the truth that they are beautiful and that they look amazing helps them so much it makes it a little easier to believe it when I say it. Knowing that I can turn my husband on with just a kiss doesn’t hurt either.
I’m working on becoming less insecure. I am trying to come to terms that my husband wants to see my photos because he is proud of my work as a photographer not just because he wants to see women in their underwear. I’m trying to believe people when they say I’m beautiful. It’s just hard. So knowing that about myself makes me try so much harder to help women with their insecurities and hopefully it will help me with mine as well.
I have a goal this year to do my own boudoir session so that I can see myself in a different light and have someone else tell me that i’m doing great and I’m so beautiful. It may take some time to work up to it but I will do it. I need to do it. I need to not be so insecure. I need to feel beautiful and know that I am beautiful and sexy. I need to feel like a woman again not just a frump.